my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Randomize
