I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
