dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I enjoy the company of your penis
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
