Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
