fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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