I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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