I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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