you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
