UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
