yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
