4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
