She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
