I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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