The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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