I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
only you would photoshop your dick
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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