If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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