Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
