i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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