Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
