I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
