I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
