glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
