I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
