It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
