man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
