just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
as a side note pls kill me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
