How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Did I show you my penis last night?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
