How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
