i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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