The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
