my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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