Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
