We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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