it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
