it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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