so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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