Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
