My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
