You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
