You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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