hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
