If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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