I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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