sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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