My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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