Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
