genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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