george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
