I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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