I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
